The Buckeyes Sports Bar erupted into cheers and celebration. Ohio State had just reclaimed the lead in the final minutes of the game despite losing their star player to an injury.
Michelle slammed her drink on the counter and shouted: “Wooo! Go Buckeyes!”
A silence sapped the energy of the bar like a sudden power outage. Somebody coughed. Brett lowered the dart he was about to throw and slowly turned his gaze towards Michelle. “What the hell did you just say?”
Despite the metaphorical power outage, the temperature in the bar seemed to increase by 30 degrees. Or at least, that’s how it felt to Michelle. “Um…” she stammered. “Go Buckeyes?”
The silence was replaced with hushed chuckles and groans. “That’s what I thought you said!” retorted Brett. “Now, what kind of an idiot Michigan fan would cheer for an Ohio State touchdown? You know what an Ohio State touchdown means for Michigan fans, right?”
Michelle nervously pointed at her Ohio State jersey. “But… I’m not a Michigan fan. I’m an Ohio State fan.”
Laugher resounded throughout the bar. Brett smiled incredulously and glanced back at the crowd that was forming. “Okay, looks like you’re confused, so let’s get this cleared up right quick. If you’re an Ohio State fan, then you need to be born in Ohio. Now, where exactly are you from, missy?”
Michelle was visibly sweating now. “Detroit,” she mumbled.
“What? I didn’t hear that!” somebody shouted from the back of the crowd.
Michelle partially regained her composure. “I said ’Detroit’!” she yelled. “But, I spent most of my life living in Columbus, Ohio. I don’t identify as a Michigan fan. I’m an Ohio State fan!”
“Not according to the Bible!” objected two or three nobodies in the crowd.
“The what?” inquired Michelle, who was now truly baffled.
“You know,” Brett begin, “the Bible. The Sports Bible! The book that makes all the rules about proper conduct within the league!”
“Oh — that Bible!” replied Michelle, smirking. “For a second there, I thought you were talking about the other famous Bible.”
Brett looked unamused. “Well, if the Sports Bible had been around in Jesus’s day, then I’m sure he would have endorsed it right alongside his Ten Commandments!“.
A few others in the crowd quickly made the sign of the cross.
“Anyway,” continued Brett, “the Bible states that each Fandom is sacred. We are born into a Fandom, and it is our lifelong duty to uphold its traditions!”
“Translation: you can’t just choose to be an Ohio State fan! You have to be born in Ohio!” interjected some drunken genius.
Brett nodded in agreement. “Exactly. And, you know what else the Bible says?”
Michelle just stared at him blankly.
Brett turned to the audience, raised his arms, and proclaimed: “It says that Michigan Fans must make a sandwich for an Ohio State fan whenever Ohio State makes a touchdown!“. He then turned back towards Michelle. “So bitch, make me a sandwich!!”
The crowd exploded into whistles and jeers. “A Michigan Fan’s place is in the kitchen!” the drunken genius explained to nobody in particular. The bartender poured everybody another round while looking expectantly towards Michelle. A few moments later, She subtly pointed her elbow towards the kitchen door, hoping to dispel any lingering confusion that Michelle still had.
Michelle took one last sip from her mug before shattering it against the counter. “Fuck your Bible, and fuck your stupid rules!“.
Another silence fell over the bar. After a moment, Brett spoke up. “Listen, honey. At first, we thought it was cute the way you strolled in here wearing an Ohio State jersey and acting like one of the boys. But now, you’re breaking the important rules! You’re pissing all over our tradition, and that makes us angry!”
Somebody in the crowd cracked their knuckles as if to say: “I agree with this sentiment. Please uphold our traditions, or I will beat the ever-loving shit out of you.”
Michelle was unfazed. “Look, you can’t force me to identify as a Michigan fan! And, if the Ohio State fandom is so toxic, then I don’t want to identify as an Ohio State fan, either! So, here’s $20 to pay for the shitty beer you served me. I’m gonna go create my own fandom with like-minded people.”
Michelle started to leave, but Brett blocked her exit. “We can’t let you do that, girlie. It’s not in the Bible.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” sighed Michelle.
“First of all,” Brett began, “it’s unbecoming of a Michigan fan to use that kind of language. So, cut it out immediately! Second of all, the Bible only speaks of two fandoms: Ohio State and Michigan. Anyone who suggests otherwise is an abomination, and must be judged as such!”
“Really?” Michelle questioned. “The Bible really says that?”
Before Brett could answer, one of the nobodies in the crowd smashed a plate of nachos against Michelle’s jersey. ”There’s your Bible!” they sneered, trying to somehow sound smart.
A few seconds later, gravity kicked in, and the plate of nachos plopped to the floor. Michelle stared at it for a moment before shaking her head. “God-damned morons,” she muttered to herself. She then shoved Brett aside and exited the Buckeyes Sports Bar.
Brett stared at the door for a solid 10 seconds before returning to his seat. The post-game show had already started. “Fucking cunt…” he grumbled. “She made me miss the end of the game.”